People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
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My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.