[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
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Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
79.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.