People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
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Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
secret recipe
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN