People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
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A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
I’m awake but I object,
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice