People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

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Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes


Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.


me: i’d like another bag of those goth grapes please

store clerk: *sighs* again sir they’re called olives


The part of the Bible I relate to the most is when Jesus makes a scene at the farmers market


Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.


I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.


Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.


If a woman is bad at parking it’s because she is constantly lied to about what 8 inches is.


All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.


My girlfriend always gets her way by pretending she’s sad. She’s an expert in sighcology.