@Jfficial

People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

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@MumInBits

Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes

@djdarrellripley

Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.

@sonictyrant

me: i’d like another bag of those goth grapes please

store clerk: *sighs* again sir they’re called olives

@GMPaiella

The part of the Bible I relate to the most is when Jesus makes a scene at the farmers market

@daddydoubts

Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.

@envydatropic

I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.

@AmandaDuberman

Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.

@myvisable

If a woman is bad at parking it’s because she is constantly lied to about what 8 inches is.

@nameterminated

All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.

@omgthatspunny

My girlfriend always gets her way by pretending she’s sad. She’s an expert in sighcology.