@Jfficial

People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

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@SharkJelly

[My Wedding]

Me: I do

Guests: Awww

Me: Or do I?

Guests: Ooooo

@goldengateblond

My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

@Adam14

Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You’re welcome.

@jackiembouvier

Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.

@BruceForce

Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.

I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”

@yaboybillnye

Yo mama so dumb she tried to minimize a 9 variable function to a sum of products wit a karnaugh map instead of the Quine-McCluskey Algorithm

@BoomBoomBetty

Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.

@daemonic3

REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch

WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare

ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT