People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
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I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.