People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
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My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
🤣🤣
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.