Having a terrible night with my date and her husband
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
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JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
haha I love it
“oh holy crap this farmer just crucified a dude, maybe we shoud stay away from this farm” – what crows realy think when they see a scarecrow
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*