People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.

You Might Also Like


[Jurassic Park]

JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!

ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island

JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs


coworker: how was your weekend?

me: sucked, I had to move

coworker: you sold your house?

me: no, my wife made me get off the couch


Wife: what’d you do after work?

Me: I may have taken a nap

Wife: you may have or you did?

Me: I may have did


Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.


Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.


what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
haha I love it


“oh holy crap this farmer just crucified a dude, maybe we shoud stay away from this farm” – what crows realy think when they see a scarecrow


magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*