People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.

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If he refuses to let you call him your cutie pie sweet potato biscuit buttering love muffin… he’s not that into you.


Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid


[tsunami approaches]

Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.

Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.


instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid


Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!

Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.

*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*


A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.


Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?


10: What’s it like being a grown up?

Me [hands her money]: When we get to the movies, buy a large popcorn.

10: This is only $2

M: Exactly