People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
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It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
he chose this
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.