People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
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her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
This meal prepping shit is easy
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
These aliens are taking forever.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!