People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
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Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store