People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
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Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this