People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
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Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
I don’t know what to do
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant