@Colt_Seethers

People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.

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@mattgallo123

Not to brag, but according to this food packaging I just ate enough fancy cashews to serve 638 people.

@novicefather

Past employers have described me as “selfish, egotistic, condescending, the physical manifestation of capitalism, and a true sweetheart.”

@GriffLightning

OH MY GOD EDDIE MURPHY IS GOING TO DO STAND UP I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT oh never mind they’re going to commercial. #SNL40

@WilliamAder

Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?

@sunexplode

Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.

@TheTweetOfGod

Today is National Girlfriend’s Day. But it will never be National Marriage Day. The calendar’s just not ready for that kind of commitment.

@Parkerlawyer

I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.

@ruraljules

Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either