People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
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*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Not to brag, but according to this food packaging I just ate enough fancy cashews to serve 638 people.
Past employers have described me as “selfish, egotistic, condescending, the physical manifestation of capitalism, and a true sweetheart.”
OH MY GOD EDDIE MURPHY IS GOING TO DO STAND UP I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT oh never mind they’re going to commercial. #SNL40
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Today is National Girlfriend’s Day. But it will never be National Marriage Day. The calendar’s just not ready for that kind of commitment.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either