People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
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*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”