@UncleDuke1969

People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.

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@panmidwest

[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…

@Vice_Queen

Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.

@MarfSalvador

teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now

@oxygenplug

if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy

@delusionaliam

If my calculations are correct, slinky + escalator = everlasting fun.

@Darlainky

My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.

@Rohit_And_Run

I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.

@ScottLinnen

Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.

@BunAndLeggings

I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?