People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
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Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
FRED: right
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
got so much cardio in today
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
These aren’t even hard anymore.