Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
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Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
bout dat hot dog summer
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”