“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
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Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot