People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
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I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.