Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
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Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.