People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
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*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight