People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
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SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
This was a bad idea all around
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”