People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
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Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.