@preritpathak

People on Facebook Nowadays:

*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*

*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?

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@Dorkstar

I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?

@aparnapkin

oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun

@hinnaz

Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.

@_elvishpresley_

[inventing vampire weaknesses]

writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night

writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?

writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!

writer 2: we’re crushing this

[5 hours later]

writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside

writer 2: garlic

@jergarl

Wife: Are you drunk?

Me: I know this is a trick question so I’m going with no. Why?

W: Because you’re naked on the neighbors porch.

M:…

@notacroc

TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family

@smithsara79

Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right

@SomeChrisTweets

All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.

@DaddyJew

It’s so hot outside I tried to let my dog out and she got up, closed the door and sat back down on the couch