@preritpathak

People on Facebook Nowadays:

*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*

*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?

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@SouthrnPinUpMom

I wonder which woman said….. “yep I’m gonna put it in my mouth and see what happens.”

@Sarcasticsapien

Saying “to each his own” is the best way to tell someone you respect their right to have an extremely stupid opinion.

@TheTweetOfGod

When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.

@TweetPotato314

Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?

Me: no thanks. I hate stairs

Date: coffee means sex

Me: how many stairs?

@ChicksRule

Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy

Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no

@10kbabyspiders

Netflix should have the option to not just resume from when you shut it off, but to resume from when you fell asleep.

@HenpeckedHal

I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.

@Bob_Janke

I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it

@LeahsLounge

I’ve never seen a runner smiling.

So that’s all I need to know about that.

@B_Schmidt

I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.