People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
You Might Also Like
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.