People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
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nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.