People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
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There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!