@pixelatedboat

People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire

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@robin_991

Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids

@FatherWithTwins

My 3yo just corrected my math. When he gets out of timeout, he’s my new accountant

@dramadelinquent

My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.

We will be telling them tonight.

@YourMomsucksTho

I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.

@ObscureGent

Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth

Me: No way

Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?

Me: Yes, that sounds delightful

@Duke1173

*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*

@OldUncleDaveO

I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle

@Sickayduh

CVS clerk: Receipt?
Me: Sure
*God uses 2 fingers to gently close the eyes of an entire rain forest*

@scot4bz

Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%