doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
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Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
my first dose meeting my second
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.