People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:

“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“

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[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here


Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired


My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.


[My Wedding]

Me: I do

Guests: Awww

Me: Or do I?

Guests: Ooooo


Bill Clinton is so getting laid tonight. Hillary is in Indonesia.


Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library


Me: I was just killing time

Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim


I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.


There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much