@kiiimdaaa

People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:

“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“

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@mattgallo123

<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?

me: no

@ShortSleeveSuit

Mom: Where’s your brother?

Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes

Mom: Mosh?

Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]

@AndyAsAdjective

The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.

@BeijingPalmer

As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.

@Kyle_Lippert

MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.

@mommajessiec

Kid: *falls down*

Me: You’re fine.

Kid: *runs into table*

Me: You’re fine.

Kid: *ball hits them in face*

Me: You’re fine.

Kid: *drops phone*

Me: OMG, did you break it?!

@baronvonbike

Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.

@HogwartsLogics

Me: when is the pizza ready?
Dad: will you wait!
Me: I DID MY WAITING
Dad: oh god no
Me: TWELVE YEARS
Dad: not again
Me: IN AZKABAN