[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
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Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Me: I do
Me: Or do I?
Bill Clinton is so getting laid tonight. Hillary is in Indonesia.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much