Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@3sunzzz

Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.

@TheBoydP

*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*

@stephenjmolloy

*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*

@mom_ontherocks

My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy

@KeetPotato

honey, i think the milk’s gone bad

“i only bought it yesterday”

yeah well, look at this..

*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*

@crayan9

Why do people say clean as a whistle? Whistles aren’t clean, they’re full of spit

@NCSox

I needed a laugh this morning.

@notalogin

Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.

@Juven_Naidoo

A policeman walks into a bar. The bar is now being charged for assaulting a police officer.

@hyperblastchic

“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”

-how vodka was born