@kelly__le

*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”

It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”

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@kumailn

“Oh you like this cake? (*Tosses cake out the window*) Oops.” – Game of Thrones

@JillianKarger

OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for

GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome

@kimlockhartga

Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.

@heymonroe

Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.

@causticbob

Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.

His name was Frank

@sixfootcandy

If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.

If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.

This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.

@ArfMeasures

BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool

ME *remembering I’m me* oh no

@samuelhlowe

When I go to someone’s house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don’t like visitors.

@NikkiGlaser

Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.

@kiralc

i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.