*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
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“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Blew my mind.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
who did the taste test?
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.