People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
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You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.