People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
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Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?