People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
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IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Good point.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.