@kashanacauley

People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.

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@chrissyteigen

Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did

@gibbet

“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.

@bealescore

celebrities be like omg 🙄 quarantined in my 30 room mansion with a personal theater, olympic pool and 50 acre yard for the next month. soooooo bored. just know we’re all in this with you guys! 🙏🏼

@Sean_Burgundy_

The fastest land animal is a guy that sees a woman about to go through his phone

@Angrea

Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.

@TweetsByKaylee

[after an argument]

me: *scribbling on a paper*

him: what’s that? what are you writing?

me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing

@YoungFunE

Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers

@beefman138

I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.

I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.

@SarahSurgey1

My top 3 assumptions when the doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. The book I ordered about positive thinking