Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
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*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”