@badbanana

People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.

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@archerenemy

OK, so you caught me bangin’ the peanut butter jar…

Don’t make it weird…

@Bob_Janke

The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything

@LurkAtHomeMom

[Interview]

Why do you want this job?

Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around

@iscoff

Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t

@geowizzacist

Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!

~later~

5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit

@Bagyants

Hang in there, people suffering from natural disasters and deadly diseases – we’re putting ribbons on our cars as fast as we can

@Spaced_Cowboy00

When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.

@shutupheav

Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.