People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
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I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.