People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
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Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”