people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
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I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
At least my masseuse has my back.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.