people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
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*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.