@PonyMartini

People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.

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@withanewname

“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”

“What kind are you using?”

“Grape”

@ThugRaccoons

Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go

Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?

@AynRandy

this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route

@jellybnbonanza

Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?

@huntigula

My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them

@heelyfanaccount

applebee’s waiter: what would u like to order

me: i’ll take the apple

waiter: we don’t actually sell apples

me, visibly frightened: ok then. [gulps] i’ll have the bees

@KKAlThani

David Beckham says he will retire at the end of this season, mainly because he ran out of ideas on how to do his next haircut.

@Easy_Tiger__

ATTN: I’m looking for a new girlfriend

Are you:

1. Between the age of 11-69?
2. Mostly female?
3. Trained to poop outside?

DM for details