How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
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“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
applebee’s waiter: what would u like to order
me: i’ll take the apple
waiter: we don’t actually sell apples
me, visibly frightened: ok then. [gulps] i’ll have the bees
David Beckham says he will retire at the end of this season, mainly because he ran out of ideas on how to do his next haircut.
ATTN: I’m looking for a new girlfriend
1. Between the age of 11-69?
2. Mostly female?
3. Trained to poop outside?
DM for details
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times