I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
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If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*