people said my days of misquoting famous idioms were over but I’m like a phoenix rising from molasses

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I rely on a little boy to tell me how I feel and boy, are my arms tired?


I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”


You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.


When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.


Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now


please bring me a bottle of your freshest wine no more of this cheap old stuff


There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field

I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan


me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin