People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
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ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I don’t get marriage
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.