@Cryptic1iam

People say, “All the good ones are taken.”
Which is absolutely true.
I’m single.

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@PretendMaker

*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*

@jonnysun

hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for

@OutOfLeftField_

Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.

@4SLars

PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.

@NoogsCorner

Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.

Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.

(silence)

@Moi_RaRa

Reasons Why us girls cry:

happy: 5%
sad: 5%

Who the hell knows!!: 90%

@capnwatsisname

Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-

Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-

Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*

@BromanConsul

My therapist told me today that I need to stop talking to inanimate objects, but I mean he’s just a lamp so what does he really know anyway