People say, “All the good ones are taken.”
Which is absolutely true.
I’m single.

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*storms onto stage*
*crowd gasps*
*crowd continues gasping*


hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for


Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.


PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.


Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.


My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.

Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.



Reasons Why us girls cry:

happy: 5%
sad: 5%

Who the hell knows!!: 90%


Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-

Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-

Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*


My therapist told me today that I need to stop talking to inanimate objects, but I mean he’s just a lamp so what does he really know anyway