R.I.P.
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The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*