Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
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We’ve all been there…
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
“What?”
– Jude
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it