people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
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I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
I’d … I’d rather not.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.