I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
You Might Also Like
Valentine’s Day was created by a woman than didn’t get what she wanted for Christmas.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive