@cloudypianos

people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important

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@ericaj1721

I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life

@Reverend_Scott

Fun Fact:

Valentine’s Day was created by a woman than didn’t get what she wanted for Christmas.

@frankpallotta

A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.

@FatherWithTwins

My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process

@girlontapas

My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.

Him: Being a teenager is tough.

Me: *sigh* I’m 40.

@NoTheOtherJohn

[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what

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@ObscureGent

If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.

@HenpeckedHal

Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh

@flaccidumbrella

“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”

– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive