@Dawn_M_

People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.

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@ItsAllBollocks

Kinda miss the days when rage smashing a phone just meant you looked at the three pieces on the floor, sighed, then picked them up and put the battery back in

@Parkerlawyer

My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.

@GreenishDuck

You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien

@lilgapeach30

Ate reduced fat cheese on low calorie bread and my taste buds had me indicted for hate crimes.

@TechnicallyRon

Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.

@eleanormtweets

Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”

@crushingbort

“daddy where do babies come from”
“we just don’t know, sweetie…*peers through blinds, the sky is dark with babies* “…we just don’t know”

@leahlovescheez

My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.