Kinda miss the days when rage smashing a phone just meant you looked at the three pieces on the floor, sighed, then picked them up and put the battery back in
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
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My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
Ate reduced fat cheese on low calorie bread and my taste buds had me indicted for hate crimes.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
“daddy where do babies come from”
“we just don’t know, sweetie…*peers through blinds, the sky is dark with babies* “…we just don’t know”
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.