@DavidKlein5

People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.

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@Quartzjixler

I was late so I shoved a whole taco into my mouth. It was a sight to behold based on the facial expression of the lady in the adjacent car.

@Shenaniglenns

[1931]

Him: we should name this time period

Me: the good depression

Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”

Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out

@AnkCoupleTO

Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*

@bust2nut

I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason

@Smooheed

Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke

@Vivalazoso

The only thing keeping me from cutting eye holes in a newspaper to spy on people in the coffee shop is my constant lack of scissors.

@heroinsdemise

I always wonder how Men managed to find entire continents.
Mine can’t even find the butter in the fridge.

@Just__J0

I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.

@JasonLastname

If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.

@realfunghi

You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”

Including classics such as:

– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!

And the chart topping hit:

– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!