People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
You Might Also Like
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!