People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
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hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
I support this random dude and all his protests
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.