People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
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thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
LOOOOOOL
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord