People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
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stand with me against insufficient seating
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Dune (2021)
Never go to sleep after making me angry
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.